Holidays have really changed for me as an adult. As a child, I loved them! All the family getting together, eating yourself silly and hearing the sounds of the tv and adults chatting. But as we start down the path of the holiday season, I am reminded that now that I'm adult, holidays look very different. Because my parents are divorced, every since I was 15 I did each holiday twice...once with mom, once with dad and step-mom. Now that I've been doing that for almost 20 years, I'm kind of tired of it and have tried very hard not to split my holidays. My siblings are pretty spread out: Oldest brother in CA, 2nd oldest in OR, and me and my the 3rd oldest in WA. But to add more stress and chaos to this already very complicated holiday season....then there's what to do with mom.
I hadn't made up my mind about what I wanted to do about Christmas. And then my brother mentioned to my mom that I had been thinking about taking her for Christmas in San Diego with him and his family again. While you can never prevent conversations from happening, I was really hoping to buy a few weeks to really think about what I wanted my holidays to look like. My brother realized that he probably shouldn't have mentioned it to her and honestly felt bad. I reminded him that its okay, I just was hoping to have some more time to think this through. And we can't protect her from all conversations. They are going to happen.
Then mom calls me tonight, first leaves a message and then another call an hour later. And trying to explain to her that i hadn't thought about what I was going to do if I didn't go to San Diego was just as confusing as explaining to her that I hadn't looked at flights. She is definitely not able to understand rational conversations as well as she could...a year ago. She is apologetic for being so difficult to deal with...but the problem is that you can't even explain that I'm not mad at her and that it is difficult to explain that you haven't had a chance to do the research on airlines tickets. She doesn't get it...and never will.
I of course have flashbacks to last Christmas taking her to San Diego. Having her "chew me out" at security for reminding her that she didn't have to take her shoes off since she is "of age" wasn't pleasant, I"m a grown woman Ana!" I pretended to not know her at that moment and walk away while taking VERY deep breaths. Do I want to endure this again? I'm not sure. Not really. Or when we were on our way home and I was trying to be funny and asked her if she had packed her firearms etc. to which she responded, 'trying to be funny' and accused me of having no sense of humor. The most fascinating part of the trip was definitely when we were flying home and she told the guy next her, her entire story of losing her memory like they had been friends forever. No shame, no filter just living.
She volunteered to look into flights and asks me if she can go to a travel agent...i'm like, wow...I don't think so. (Do they even exist anymore?). The main frustration for me is that I can't help her from this distance. She doesn't want to be made to be stupid. She is VERY vocal about that...but it is so hard to know how to respond to her when she asks about why her computer isn't working. There is no graceful way to respond to her. None. She is going to be upset at this process and is going to be frustrated. But there is nothing I can do. Sometimes I'm relieved that I can't do anything. But it means nothing is getting done. So most of the time, I'm annoyed with this disease. She is a very capable person and is doesn't want to let this get her...her words. But how do they know if they don't really know when they are in their right mind? The ambiguity continues...
So for now, I am looking into flights and it looks like I'll be going to San Diego again this year...and ultimately it's probably the right thing to do because I know that my mom will likely not be able to make that trip much longer nor will I be able to manage her on the trip.
I hadn't made up my mind about what I wanted to do about Christmas. And then my brother mentioned to my mom that I had been thinking about taking her for Christmas in San Diego with him and his family again. While you can never prevent conversations from happening, I was really hoping to buy a few weeks to really think about what I wanted my holidays to look like. My brother realized that he probably shouldn't have mentioned it to her and honestly felt bad. I reminded him that its okay, I just was hoping to have some more time to think this through. And we can't protect her from all conversations. They are going to happen.
Then mom calls me tonight, first leaves a message and then another call an hour later. And trying to explain to her that i hadn't thought about what I was going to do if I didn't go to San Diego was just as confusing as explaining to her that I hadn't looked at flights. She is definitely not able to understand rational conversations as well as she could...a year ago. She is apologetic for being so difficult to deal with...but the problem is that you can't even explain that I'm not mad at her and that it is difficult to explain that you haven't had a chance to do the research on airlines tickets. She doesn't get it...and never will.
I of course have flashbacks to last Christmas taking her to San Diego. Having her "chew me out" at security for reminding her that she didn't have to take her shoes off since she is "of age" wasn't pleasant, I"m a grown woman Ana!" I pretended to not know her at that moment and walk away while taking VERY deep breaths. Do I want to endure this again? I'm not sure. Not really. Or when we were on our way home and I was trying to be funny and asked her if she had packed her firearms etc. to which she responded, 'trying to be funny' and accused me of having no sense of humor. The most fascinating part of the trip was definitely when we were flying home and she told the guy next her, her entire story of losing her memory like they had been friends forever. No shame, no filter just living.
She volunteered to look into flights and asks me if she can go to a travel agent...i'm like, wow...I don't think so. (Do they even exist anymore?). The main frustration for me is that I can't help her from this distance. She doesn't want to be made to be stupid. She is VERY vocal about that...but it is so hard to know how to respond to her when she asks about why her computer isn't working. There is no graceful way to respond to her. None. She is going to be upset at this process and is going to be frustrated. But there is nothing I can do. Sometimes I'm relieved that I can't do anything. But it means nothing is getting done. So most of the time, I'm annoyed with this disease. She is a very capable person and is doesn't want to let this get her...her words. But how do they know if they don't really know when they are in their right mind? The ambiguity continues...
So for now, I am looking into flights and it looks like I'll be going to San Diego again this year...and ultimately it's probably the right thing to do because I know that my mom will likely not be able to make that trip much longer nor will I be able to manage her on the trip.
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