am·big·u·ous
amˈbigyo͞oəs/
adjective
- (of language) open to more than one interpretation; having a double meaning."the question is rather ambiguous"
- unclear or inexact because a choice between alternatives has not been made."this whole society is morally ambiguous"
synonyms: equivocal, ambivalent, open to debate/argument, arguable, debatable;More
Six months after my mom's original diagnosis, I found myself really struggling for clarity about where I was in my life. Earlier that year I had pursued individual counseling only to be turned down because the provider was not accepting new patients. As it turns out, timing is everything in my life...I wish I could swallow this more easily when it comes to dealing with my mom. About One year ago, I found a wonderful counselor, L. L has been the sounding board that I've needed, the thought provoker and just the right amount at just the right time. Her profile online suggested that her focus was on 'life transitions'. And as it happened to be, I had been on a journey of transition for quite some time and I was just down right tired.
This spring at one of my visits, L shared with me this term, "ambiguous grief" that she had heard at a conference. It hit me like a ton of bricks and a weight had been lifted. Finally a name for what I was going through. It explained why I could go from extreme and total happy to a puddle of unexplainable emotion in less than 60 seconds. And in a lot of ways it is parallels this ambiguous disease that has been rearing its ugly head.
At the time I started seeing L, I had recently moved, (for what felt like the gazillionth time), inherited a very difficult classroom of children, started at a new school and was one full year into a 4 year master's degree program in primary Montessori education. So yeah, a lot going on. Needless to say, I wasn't handling disappointments well and just trying to get. Some of my friendships took the hit. But some of my friendships grew deeper and more solid. Never the less, i guess in some ways I found out who my true friends are and they are the ones who continue to support me and love me and more importantly listen to me.
As I reflect on a year passing and I've moved from the feeling of ambiguity flipping on a dime, to flipping in an evening. Tonight I got a call from my mom and we had a rather pleasant conversation. I'm not sure if it was the glass of wine I had almost finished when she called, or if I was just at a good spot at the time. But its never easy when you realize how much your parent relies on you, even if you are not there. I feel the role of parent/child reversing more quickly than anticipated. And even as the tear runs down my face as I type, I fully expected it, but my heart never seems to ever really be prepared for hearing it. Mom says to me tonight, "I know I'm hard." Hard doesn't even begin to describe it. But I simply say, "you're not hard" and in my mind I think, "You're actually softer mom...the softest you've ever been!" And for that I am grateful. You hear horror stories of people with alzheimers who are angry and lash out. Thank the lord that hasn't happened yet. I have seen her anger...at God, asking "is this my punishment?". I sit back and ask myself, "for what?" I've felt her frustration towards me but know that she is projecting...but it is not new.
I've heard the 30s referred to as the catch 30's...you're finding out who you really are and how you can weather the storms of life around you. (I highly recommend this book:
- Passages
- Published: January 1, 1976
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that the storm I was weathering would be that of my mother. And that I would have to navigate my own sails through it.
But I often find myself asking, when do I get to find safe harbor?
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